News from the Heartland:
South Amherst
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I was half way through my second hamburger at my niece’s birthday
party when Uncle Johnny told us the story about the deer. South Amherst is a
three-mile stretch of road in northern Ohio.
I’d like to say this sort of thing only happens here, but probably
not.
Uncle Johnny was in his backyard walking his cat (on a leash) when he
heard the crash. A man in a pick up truck had hit a young buck right in front
of the house. As luck would have it, the injured deer ran into Johnny’s lilac
bushes but did not die.
Johnny thought the best thing to do would be to shoot the deer but he
wasn’t sure this was the legal thing to do. Deciding to check with the
authorities, he called the police station. No answer. Maybe it was the shift
change, maybe there was a huge emergency requiring the attention of both
of the town’s officers. In any event, there was no one to answer his
question. Next, Johnny called Makruski’s garage, the subject of local songs
and lore for at least forty years. Donny, the station manager, told him that
if the deer was suffering, he’d better go ahead and shoot it. Johnny did so.
Once the deer was out of its misery, Johnny decided that he better
call the State Highway Patrol. After all, it did happen on a state route and
they might be interested. He told the trooper on duty what had happened.
“Who told you you could shoot the animal?” the trooper asked.
“Donny at Makruski’s.”
“Who da hell is Makruski?” the trooper demanded.
He must not be familiar with South Amherst. The trooper told Johnny to
have the man who hit the deer bring it to the nearest Highway Patrol station,
about ten miles away. He also told Johnny not to listen to the folks at
Makruski’s for legal advice.
This obviously flies in the face of the standard operating procedure
for South Amherst. The chain of command for information, legal questions, and
emergencies should be as follows.
If there is no answer at the police station, then call Makruski’s.
If there is no answer or the staff at Makruski’s is unable to be of
assistance, then call Farmer Boy Market, the local plaza consisting of a
convenience store, a video rental place, Cycle World Leather, and the Farmer
Boy Restaurant, where the theme is a barn. (If you’re lucky, or if you get
there early enough you can eat at one of the tables in the stalls.)
Only as a last resort should one call the fire department in an
emergency.
You see, in some places the Old West is still alive. Step aside Doug
Llewellyn, sometimes you just gotta take the law into your own hands. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|