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If there's one thing I deserve, it's something. If there's
one thing I should be, it's something.
I could be an accountant. I could be Tax Adviser to the
Stars. If it weren't for the numbers. Or the celebrities. I hear
they're difficult.
I could be a lawyer. Too clichéd. Everyone's a lawyer. Or wants
to be.
What about an elephant? Of course. One of the great mammals. Nobody's
ever been an elephant. It would be original. A groundbreaker.
I'll be the guy who gave up everything to be an elephant. I could do
performances. I'll perform for the troops. I'll do little dances where
I shuffle around and bob my head. It'll be hysterical. I could do
magic. Or comedy. I'll be The Funny Elephant. Elephants aren't usually
funny. I'll need some schtick. Even elephants need schtick.
I could kick field goals. I'll be the only elephant that
kicks field goals. They'll bring me on late night TV to kick field
goals. And to plug my book. I'll probably need a ghost writer for that.
Considering the size of my feet. And my inability to dictate.
How do I tell my parents? They always told me I could be whatever I
wanted. It's not like they said "You can be anything . . .except an
elephant." They definitely would've mentioned something.
I'll need some things first. Like bigger ears. And a trunk. If there's
one thing about elephants, it's the trunk. I wonder if I could hold a
paintbrush with my trunk. I could be the elephant that paints. Everyone
will want one of my paintings. Because it was painted by an elephant.
They won't even have to be that good. Lower standards for elephants.
I should probably know some elephants. There was that baby elephant I
rode at the zoo. That was 20 years ago. Wonder what he's doing these
days. He must be grown up by now. He'd be a great resource. He'll be my
"in." I wonder if he remembers me. They say elephants never forget. I
forget a lot of things. Like state capitals. And math. I'll need to
work on my memory. And get some tusks.
I hear tusks are rare. Something about pianos. And poachers. I could
learn to play piano. Think of the irony. I could make a piano out of my
own tusks. That would be dark. But intriguing. People want to be
intrigued. Especially by an elephant.
I should work on this.
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