The Brown Nose Fund

			You'll likely be surprised (potentially flabbergasted), but yes, even I, the great Maven Quibble - Instigator of Mayhem, Writer Extraordinaire - receive precious few emails in response to my fabulous work. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. Me? Quibbs? I crave praise. I need it. I need praise like a junkie needs Skittles. (A sugar junkie I mean.) Do regular junkies need Skittles? Suddenly I'm interested. (Note to self: look into it.) Rest assured my praise-stingy, Cautionary Tale-reading friends, I'm not just an instigator of mayhem and a kick-ass writer - I'm a realist. I know you're busy. Or lazy. Whatever. So to force you to send a flattering email my way, I'm offering a prize. A prize so irresistible, within a minute of reading this, guaranteed, you'll be writing to call me a "literary guru" with a "prodigious rod." You’ll be firing off big-time props! And why? What prize could be so incredibly motivating as to actually get you off your ass? (Or on your ass, as most cases may be?) Brace yourself. I'm offering equal cuts of my future profits. (And trust me you money-grubbing sycophants, each cut'll be whopping!) I'm psyched to report I've been selected to compete as a tribesman in the next Survivor. (My audition tape made me a shoo-in: I got naked, ate poop and bitchslapped a nun.) When I score the million (and yeah, that's a "when," not an "if"), I'll equally divide my winnings amongst everyone who emails me with suitably gushing praise before Sunday, July 11th. And I do mean everyone. (Even YOU, and you know who you are, you fat Presbyterian Capricorn dickhead!) (Apologies to those not involved.) To summarize, just send me some praise, and when Survivor's over, I'll send you some cash. Lots of it. Greenbacks aplenty. You have my word. Seriously, what more do you need? Quibbs, baby. Maven Quibble. Instigator of Mayhem. Writer Extraordinaire. Get to know me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you need me! Get your steaming hot chunk of the Brownnose Fund! Well? Well? Click my name NOW and start smooching! _________
			Maven Quibble requires adulation and conveniently sidesteps facts that don't suit his purposes. His real name is Robert McEvily. He lives in New York City.

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