Kirk's Kick Ass Garlic Bread
Sweet & Sour Chicken
Bring the Heat Chili
Sausage with Tropical Fruit
Taglierini al Salmone
Chocolate Kiss
Frosty Frozen Red Grapes
Bluesberry Vodka

Kirk's Kick Ass Garlic Bread
Kirk Pynchon

Ok, let me just start off by saying that I am not a great cook. I can make survival food, but anything fancy is lost on me. That being said, my garlic bread is truly the bomb. The recipe is simple, any idiot could make it, but what makes it so special is the attention to detail. So unlike most recipes where you can improvise, mine must be followed to the T. If not, you are doing it wrong and will embarrass yourself with a crappy loaf of bread. Let us begin.

-- 1 loaf of crusty bread (Italian or French, you choose based on your ethnic affinity)
-- 1 clove of garlic, minced (and if you insist on just using garlic powder, then stop reading right now, go back to college and enjoy your big Box O’ Wine)
-- Butter or margarine (I have no idea how much. I just feel it.)
-- 2-3 teaspoons of red wine vinegar (my secret ingredient)
-- Coarse black pepper
-- Oregano
-- Red pepper flakes (optional – for those who like to bring the heat)

Pre-heat the oven to 450 degrees. While the oven is getting warm, melt down the butter or margarine in a small saucepan. Chop up the garlic and throw it in the pan. Add the red wine vinegar. Sprinkle in the pepper, oregano and red pepper flakes. Stir until everything is blended well together (trust me, you’ll feel it).

Then, cut the crusty bread into individual slices. DO NOT simply slice the bread down the middle and pour the garlic sauce in the bread. That is for lazy people. Instead, take a food brush and lather the garlic sauce on each and every piece of bread. Both sides. Yeah, I said it. BOTH SIDES. And don’t be stingy about it.

Then put the individual slices back together as a loaf, drizzle any remaining sauce on top, wrap the loaf completely in aluminum foil and place in the oven for thirteen minutes. If you go over thirteen minutes, your bread will be burnt. Throw it away. If you go under thirteen minutes, your bread will be undercooked. Throw it away. Thirteen minutes guarantees the bread will be soft and warm on the inside, yet crusty on the outside*.

 Enjoy!

 *Not a binding guarantee

Sweet & Sour Chicken
Ian Wrisley

1) Get yourself some free range organic chicken breast.  Maybe 2 or 3 pounds.  Get the skinless boneless kind.  It’s easier.

2) Cut the chicken into strips about 4 or 5 inches long and an inch thick.

3) Heat up a pan and toss in some oil.  Not a lot; just enough to let the chicken know you’re serious.

4) Cook the chicken kind of fast.

6) When the chicken is almost cooked, drizzle some honey over it and stir to coat the meat.  Then turn the heat up.  That’s right, the honey will start to burn.  That’s the idea.

7) When everything is nice and caramelized (brown, before going into black), toss about two tablespoons of organic lime juice.

8) This, too, should start to burn, but first it will loosen some of the caramelized honey/chicken from the bottom of the pan.  Help it along by stirring vigorously with a wooden spoon (preferably an organic wooden spoon). 

9) A little more honey, then some red wine vinegar.  You can try balsamic, but just a little bit.

10) Taste and see if you need more lime or honey.  Salt and pepper as you like.

11) Remove the chicken.  Cut up a red onion and a few cloves of garlic (organic).

12) Drink about half a beer. 

13) Heat the pan again until it is almost smoking with the leftover honey/lime/vinegar mixture. 

14) Throw some honey in and stir.  When it’s nearly evaporated/burned to the bottom of the pan, add a little lime and vinegar.  Add the onion and garlic.

15) Cook until the garlic is brown and the onion is soft and tasty looking.

16) Get the chicken out of the oven, where you were keeping it warm in a covered container.  Stir in the onion stuff.

17) Tell your significant other and any other guests that you are a great chef, just taste this stuff.

18) Finish beverage.

19) Serve in warm tortillas with salsa, tomatoes, peach salsa (I’ve got a recipe for that, too), sour cream, and anything else that jumps out at you.

Bring the Heat Chili
Ian Wrisley

1) Find some organic stew meat.  Soak it in some tequila and lemon juice with a small amount of habanero pepper cut up in it for several hours. 

2) Get someone else to make cornbread.  You’ve got more important things to work on right now, that’s why.

3) Fire up the grill.  Make sure your grill has small openings so as not to lose the meat.

4) Grill the meat on a hot grill so as to sear it nicely.  Don’t worry about cooking it all the way through just yet.

5) In a large pot, sautee some organic red onion (maybe a cup) and some minced garlic.  Use a little olive oil, but don’t overdo it.

6) Rinse a can of black beans (so you have fifteen ounces).  Add them to the pot, along with 28 ounces or whatever of tomato sauce.

7) In a frying pan, heat up a little olive oil.  Remember the rule about that.

8) Cook some frozen corn (half a cup?) in the oil until it is browned.  Throw it into the big pot.

9) Find some rubber gloves.  Put them on and cut up a small habanera pepper.  These suckers are HOT, so you ain’t go’ need much.  Dig?

10) Did you leave the meat on the grill?  Make sure it isn’t burned.

11) A jigger of tequila in the pot and a jigger in the chef.  Just one for you.  Now a little lime and salt.  Not too much salt.

12) Add the grilled meat.  Cut it up first, if you prefer.  It goes further.

13) Diced tomatoes in the pot.

14) Simmer for about an hour or more.  Serve it with that cornbread and a cold Mexican beer. 

15) You can chop a little cilantro as a garnish and serve with a lime wedge, too.  That’s nice.

Sausage with Tropical Fruit
Eric Wrisley

Cured sausages (Polish sausages, smoked sausage, kielbasa, etc.) may be the best of all possible worlds. You can roast it in the oven with root vegetables. You can grill it and eat it on a bun with sauerkraut. The only thing I remember my mom doing with her fondue set was serving sliced kielbasa dipped into the melty, gooey goodness of guyere and swiss. (It was the 70s, but I still have that mustard-colored fondue set.) And yes, you can eat it straight from the meat case in the supermarket while you finish your shopping, and there's no shame in it.

However, as a result of a delayed New Years Day gathering one year, I discovered that the longer you cook it, the better it gets. Ten minutes is acceptable, 20 is better, and if you can hold out for half an hour, your mouth will thank you.

You'll need...

-- 2 pounds of cured sausage (kielbasa, smoked sausage, Polish sausage, etc.)
-- a medium onion
-- a few cloves of garlic
-- a can or two of Guinness
-- a can or two of tropical fruit cocktail (or some fresh tropical fruits, if you must)
-- any or all: ground cayenne pepper, paprika, garam masala, curry powder, sweet or hot paprika

Start with a large saucepan over medium heat.

Cut the sausage on a bias (diagonal) into 3/4 inch slices. Throw it in the pot to get a little brown.

Chop the onion in to large pieces.  Throw it in the pot.

Peel/smash 3-4 of cloves of garlic. Throw it in the pot.

Open a can of the Guinness and take a sip. Notice the toasty caramel and chocolate notes? The Irish did that.

Take one more sip and pour the rest of it into the pot. If necessary, add water to cover everything (err on the side of too much liquid).

Crank the heat and bring it to a boil.

Turn the heat down to simmer and cover the pot.  If it's too hot, it will boil over easily, especially with the beer. As long as it doesn't get out of hand, this is ok -- it smells good. (Remind me to tell you about the time I nearly electrocuted myself with an electric stove and boiling cabbage!)

Now is a good time to add a pinch of the cayenne pepper, if you're so inclined.

Let it simmer and go watch a sitcom. Don't go too far away, you should be listening for the pot to boil over. 30ish minutes. You might want to take a peek during the commercial break to be sure that the liquid has not boiled away. If it has, you didn't turn the heat down enough. If you need to, add a little water and turn the heat down a little more.

Much of the liquid will have evaporated by this point. What remains is what fancy cooks call a "reduction." If there's a lot left pour some of it off (or let it keep cooking. Move it around so it doesn't stick too much. If it burns a little, even better. 

Drain the juice off a can of tropical fruit cocktail.  (You could have peeled and chopped fresh mangoes, papaya, & pineapple, but you were watching TV, remember?)

Dump it in with the sausage, garlic, and onions and put the lid back on.

Now is a good time to add several pinches of the curry powder, garam masala, or hot or sweet paprika, if you get down like that. Stir.

Don't cook it too long, the fruit will get mushy. If you used fresh fruit, it can go a little longer, but not much. Once it's heated through, take it off the heat. 

Spoon it over some rice and go catch the tail end of another sitcom. 

Leftovers can be -- leftovers? Yeah right.

Cheat: Any Chinese restaurant in town will hook you up with some steamed rice for a buck or two.

Variation: For a lighter flavor, the Guinness could be replaced with white wine or apple cider. You can't say "My Goodness, My Guinness!" while making or serving the dish, though.

Taglierini al Salmone
Arlene Ang

Ingredients for 4 persons:
* 300g taglierini, fetuccini or other egg-based pasta
* 200g sliced smoked salmon, shredded
* 4 tablespoons rum or brandy
* 250g cream
* 4 tablespoons olive oil
* parsley, chopped
* salt and pepper to taste

Heat the oil in a pan. Add the salmon and allow to cook for 1 minute.

Add the liquor and allow to evaporate; add the cream and cook over low fire until dense. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Cook the pasta in salted boiling water, drain and pour into the pan with the sauce. Sprinkle with parsley. Heat for around 1 minute, mixing everything together.

Serve.

Chocolate Kiss
Dorothee Lang

You need:

-- a box of chocolate-covered marshmallows

-- a small bottle of egg flip*

-- & a microwave

 
Arrange the chocolate-covered marshmallows on dessert plates. Put the first plate in the microwave, on low energy. Wait until the chocolate cover starts to crack softly. Take the plate out of the micro, let a half spoonful of egg flip drip into the crack, then put the plate back into the microwave for another couple of seconds. Enjoy the egg-flip-choco-wave marshmallow while it’s still warm and creamy!

*can substitute Bailey's or some other liqueur?

Frosty Frozen Red Grapes
Daiv Whaley

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